First post, first impressions…

Hello everybody (anybody?),

I hoped that my first post would be as exciting, as I was to start this website/blog. Share enthusiasm with people of being a Ukrainian, raised in States and now living in Germany. Sharing experiences I made absorbing these cultures and how they stick out of me and motivate my daily life. Share books that I read, try the recipes and of course play Sims together. This is not that kind of the post, not a happy one.

In May I had an accident, and no personal insurance. Instead of running away and leaving a person with the cost of repairing one inch scratch on a car, which apparently costs 5,000 euros in Germany – well here I am. Crying for a second hour, being milked for money and not knowing what to do. Afraid to look my husband in the eyes, for the shame that I experience, for all of the trouble that I have brought my family.

We were ready to do an IVF, which we found out was covered by our insurance, but now I have to ask my husband to post pone it. How can I explain to him that I want to kill myself and that is why it is not a best idea. How can I take something so craved by both of us, from him? My sweet loving husband. A man with such a gentle heart and soul. I could not ever imagine that I would be so blessed with him and his loving family. Growing up with abusive father, who would drink and try to kill me, who never paid alimony, and not even inheritance after his own death.  Second one who was no better father than the first. Two rapes, and being kidnapped. I never thought i could find a gentle person who would love me as a whole.

In September I thought we paid the last of this, and now again. I wish that I could only express how scared and burned from inside I feel. All of the passion, all of my want being dragged and killed outside of my body. One might say that there are kids starving in Africa and so much worse could happen. Two years ago I was starving, alone in a country where I did not know the language and was alone. I went hungry many times in my life. Went through abuse ins school for wearing the same clothes, being teased in Ukraine for not wearing good clothes. Always told what a sadist my father is, as if I could stop it.  I lived without a light, food, clothes, being hit against the wall, table thrown at. I can assure that I was not yet shot at.

I suppose that I am writing this first post to share it with someone. Possibly somebody can share their words of wisdom and guide me. Also to show that no matter the posts that I will have in the future, that I am a human. That I live my day possibly worse or the same as others, that both of my  feet stand on the ground. Do not forget it, behind every smile there was a river of tears.