This post will be super personal and mostly an opinion on College and the Financial Offices – so if it is not your thing, don’t waste your time. Yesterday I got an email. Those of you reading my blog know that I am super stressed with IVF coming up, paying off car accident, literally not able to buy myself a jacket or new shoes at this point, yesterday denied a day off to celebrate Thanksgiving, manager mocking my German accent, nobody understands me clearly and oh so much more. I am on the edge. Then yesterday I get an email from Campus Operating Officer. In my notification status I can see two things.
Subject: Please contact immediately!
Message: Avoid your schedule being pulled – please contact 180-not-this-crap-again.
Honestly speaking this is why I dropped out of this very same college possibly 2-3 times now. I get stressed by Student Accounts and other departments, when I should be focusing on my education. University knows that I working with a counselor, who on several occasions was told how suicidal I am, knows that I was kidnapped, raped and abused. All that Jazz. They know I was in an accident, I have hypothyroidism, the one where I can’t focus, cry randomly, get scared in my own house, have memory loss and confused A-F! Yet, they still bother me. Like why would you send a message like that? Around finals week?
Yes I know unis are not free, they need to be paid and so much more. I have spoken to Student Accounts previously and did tell them that I will pay within a week. They told me everything was fine. So instead of buying warm clothes and not freezing, I am paying them and following my obligation. In return I get more stress. Honestly I think that for four years it should be illegal for any department in the uni to contact a student, other than a counselor with good tips – which they did send me at one point, until I got petrified of opening my college emails.
With all honesty I almost dropped everything at work yesterday and was about to sit in the middle of the cafe floor and cry. No, but I kept washing it. I answered their email, and how I feel about it. Later on got a reply from a campus counselor:
It’s been so long since we’ve spoken! Can you talk today or tomorrow about what going on with this?
How do I explain what is going on with THIS? I tried talking to my husband, friends, I think only one friend that lives in States gets me. Looked for a psychologist to talk to. Yet, how do I talk about this?
I’ve watched a good Jordan Peterson video a while ago. My husband sent it to me, for other reasons on how to deal with depression and so on, but he himself failed to pay attention why it happens. What I remember it was along the lines of :
Things happen, mortgage need to be paid, divorce, sickness, laid off. All this pressure continuous stress – a person cracks at their weakest. They get depressed, turn to drugs, alcohol, suicide or get sick.
This is honestly how I feel, that I do not get a break. I do try to follow the suggestion of, trying to end the day better than I started it. Yet, it is so difficult when I constantly get shut down.
To end yesterday, I wanted my husband to ask if I can use a sport studio which is free when I have 30 minutes free after working out. Btw working out helps me a little with stress, but while I workout. He felt that he doesn’t want to do it, that I put him in awkward situations. I also wanted to film us dancing, which is good to see what we do wrong, also maybe show our family. I had a few routines in my head, which we could do and could be very cool. Right away I got not only a no, but a lecture. Then he got upset because I am sad and went off to smoke weed. – oh forgot to mention we had fights about that too, he knows I am disgusted about this and if his sperm test is any indication, half of the sperms from last year. HALF! This thing is not healthy. – Since I don’t want to be touched when he is high, then I am the enemy here.
As you can see my life is eventful. This is why I ask: Administration knows that they have their own life problems, why do they make it their prerogative to make my day even worse? I have internship project to do and three other classes. Two more classes in the Spring and I am done, is it so hard to hold off the dogs? They see in the system how often I dropped out and how much I was struggling, yet they do it again.
Second things is: I am not a bad student. For most of my classes I do not even need to study, I have read a sufficient quantity, watch news and read newspapers, to be aware about many of the topics. Although my grammar is not great! If I couldn’t learn anymore and was totally dumb, sure I would stop this charade, but College is easy for me, too easy, it is these small things that keep me from finishing it.
I don’t know, maybe I am missing something? Any thoughts on this guys? Have you been in this situation, please let me know, or send your suggestions.